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Joke of the Day

"Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all"

"[god making cheetahs] Let's just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers"

"I must have a great ass Because after leaving a conversation, I always hear someone mumble ""what an ass."""

"Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green."

"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Death Row Barbie ...comes complete with cell; raunchy cellmate sold separately"

"I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called ""Don't Speak""? On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind."

"Of course I'm English. I'm the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day."

"[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track] YOU'LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!"

"What's green and has wheels? A Pickle and I lied about the wheels."

"why do they call them light bulbs? they don't weigh very much"