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Joke of the Day

"My wife: ""What are you doing?"" ""Having an argument on Twitter"" ""With a man or woman?"" ""A lamp."""

"This Tweet has been a test of the Emergency Procrastination System."

"People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don't watch."

"I'm having a party for men with erectile dysfunction If you can't come let me know."

"One time, at this party... I went to get a drink and there was no punch line."

"If Hillary wins I'm moving to Benghazi at least she'll ignore me there!"

"If you love something, set it free. (Does not apply to ferrets.)* *I am no longer allowed on the subway."

"Waiter waiter this lobster's only got one claw. It must have been in a fight sir. Then bring me the winner."

"What did the Triceratops sit on? Its Tricerabottom."

"Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I'm never like, ""Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?"""