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Joke of the Day

"This Tweet has been a test of the Emergency Procrastination System."

"Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date."

"Muffins - for people who don't have the guts to order cake for breakfast."

"I met Josh Pec the other day... I met Josh Pec the other day, he's such a boob."

"2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I've loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store."

"I'm on a plane and I see my friend Jack. Instinctively I say, ""Hi Jack!"" Still don't understand why I was detained."

"Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and"

"""Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears."" Only Vincent responded."

"I asked my friend to try and jump start my car. Fat bastard smashed my windshield."

"I cheated on my girlfriend yesterday We were playing Monopoly, she left and I stole some money from the bank. Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister."