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Joke of the Day

"Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don't know them, and they don't know we're sharing."

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"James Franco is making a movie about lesbian vampires. I'm betting it'll be a period piece."
"Energizer Bunny arrested! Charged with battery."
"My keys always end up in the pocket opposite of my free hand."
"If a girl texts you and asks if you think she's fat and you try to respond ""Nooo"" autocorrect changes it to ""Moo"" so that's pretty cool."
"If someone casts me in a live musical I promise to go off book and start talking about 9/11"
"Crazy ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They'll kill your dog"
"What has handles and flies? A witch in a garbage can."
"A man calls his boss to call in sick... The boss asks him, ""How sick are you anyway?"" ""I fucked my sister! Is that sick enough for you?"""
"Why don't women need to go to college? Because it doesn't take four years to learn how to make a sandwich."
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