150828

Joke of the Day

"As I sat on the toilet this morning I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork."

"My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game."

"Me as a news anchor: an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties"

"Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed the other day? What was her name, Reese... > Witherspoon? No, it was with a knife."

"""You know the newest cars drive themselves. And they found that by turning an equal amount left and right, you end up going straight."" ""I swear, officer."""

"What did the doctor say to the Fonz when he got sick? You need to take your vitamin Ayy."

"Mountains aren't just funny.... They're hill-areas!"

"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went... ...then it dawned on me."

"Two gay men were having a few drinks One said ""Bottoms up!"" The other got topsy."

"I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another."