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Joke of the Day

"Why were all the oompa loompas black in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory? Because Orange is the New Black."

"The leading cause of depression is reality."

"First monster: That pretty girl over there just rolled her eyes at me. Second monster: Well you'd better roll them back to her she might need them."

"So, today I woke up and asked my UK counterpart... ""Did you have eggs and bacon with your Brexit this morning?"""

"What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for? Hallmark. God cares enough to send the very best."

"The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar... It was tense."

"There are only three kinds of mathematicians in this world. Those who can add up and those who can't."

"A baby seal... ... walks into a club."

"I can still blame my unhealthy eating on ""the holidays"", right? President's Day is coming up."

"I know it's not safe but our taxi driver keeps falling asleep at every light and it's getting hilarious"