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Joke of the Day

"Went to the hardware store today... I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants. Old man says ""nope, it'll kill em"""

"The only day of the year that gives an order March 4th Sorry this was one of my dear departed mother's favorite annual jokes. Just had to share the love!"

"I shoveled half my driveway yesterday but my wife's still not happy because it just so happens to be the top half the sun melted."

"The lights at the Chinese restaurant were too bright... ... so the manager had to dim sum"

"I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else."

"I'd like to thank my hands... I'd like to thank my hands for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me through thick and thin, and my fingers... Because I can always count on them."

"What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick into your girlfriend's ass"

"Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it's shaken not stirred"

"Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls"

"Why is it always ""I see you drank all the beer today!"" instead of, ""Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."""