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Joke of the Day

"""I can't believe we're selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk..."" WALL: ""I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster."""

"Pedophiles... are fucking immature assholes"

"Two guys walk into a bar.... And the 2nd guy goes, ""I didn't see it either."""

"The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. The police charged one and let the other one off."

"If you use a lighter on a cigar, a man will smoke for a day If you use a lighter on a man, he'll smoke for the rest of his life."

"The only time I want the carpet to match the drapes is when I'm dating a bald headed girl."

"A man walks into a bar... ""Ouch!"""

"""When someone is mad at you, that's THEIR problem"" and other advice from my upcoming book, Where Did All My Friends Go'"

"Why won't the ocean let us drink its water? Because it's too salty."

"Alcohol and calculus don't mix... ...never drink and derive."