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Joke of the Day

"I'm sorry but shits and giggles don't sound like things I want to have happen at the same time."

"Give me a few strong men, and I'll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I'll conquer the world."

"Me: ""people always think I'm gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?"" Guy whose back I'm massaging in a bubble bath: ""maybe a little"""

"WHEN DO WE STOP COUNTING BACKWARDS I'M AT LIKE NEGATIVE 42,360"

"Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?"

"What do you call someone who's never smoked weed? ilLITerate"

"The only reason to have a second kid is if your first one doesn't get a lot of likes on Facebook."

"The longest relationship I've had is with my first vibrator. We were together 7 years. Off and on."

"We've all butt-dialed someone. But have you ever butt-married someone? Coming this fall on TBS..."

"Don't mind me The real joke is always in the comments. I'm just waiting for it."