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Joke of the Day

"BBC News: Being obese can cut your risk of dementia... Hold on, lets rephrase that: ""Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"""

"My local museum is trying to raise money by setting up a dinosaur fossil display. How will it work?Remains to be seen."

"The world is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something"

"What's a shy and retiring accountant? An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring."

"Don't play pocket hockey... the referee is a dick!"

"There are 10 types of people in this world. . . People who understand binary and people who don't."

"How To Impress Your Boss 1. Show up early. 2. Have all the tools you need. 3. Read the strategy guide. 4. Aim for the big glowing weak spot (usually the eyes)."

"PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals ME: no problem [later w/ a group] ME: that's Greg, & that's Linda..."

"My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat."

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine... Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. /Jack Handy"