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Joke of the Day

"If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one."

"Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross? A: So it could become a first-aid kit."

"What is the definition of a Barbarian? It's someone who cuts hair in a library."

"I saw this guy in Walmart... ...who was bashing his head on the border between aisles 9 and 10. He said ""Go away muggle, I'm trying to get into aisle 9 3/4!"""

"My pee tells me I'm probably dehydrated this morning which makes no sense at all because I'm pretty sure I drank enough last night."

"Dance like nobody's watching. Do the dishes like nobody's watching. Change into that robe like nobody's watching. No, the other one."

"Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm? A: E-I-E-I-O."

"How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's parents? Just one buck."

"Your momma's so fat it takes two warlocks to summon her."

"Yes it was my birthday. I'm going to start lying about my age, but say I'm older so people say how good I look for 47."