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Joke of the Day

"Why does the lemon feel uncomfortable making friends outside of tumblr? Because it has cis-trust issues"

"I bet vampires just walk around saying how different things were in back the old days."

"How does your stomach know to send the burps to the mouth and the farts to your bum?"

"Where does Jon Bon Jovi reside? --- HE'S LIVING ON A PRAIRIE"

"why did the tomato blush... he saw the salad dressing!"

"I grew up Catholic... and one of the things I hated was going to church, with the constant standing up, sitting down and kneeling. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me."

"I stopped trying to keep up with the Kardashians. I'm too out of shape."

"If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them."

"I just did my own taxes for the first time and I'm glad I did because I'm getting 8 million dollars back this year!"

"Bob has 50 cookies. He eats 45. What does he have now? Diabetes. Bob has diabetes."