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Joke of the Day

"[answering door on halloween] NEIGHBORHOOD MOM: please stop giving the children hamsters ME *hands full of hamsters*: but it's Halloween"

"How does the china man say ""wrong""? he says ""wong"""

"A tree falls on my kitchen, who's dead? My wife, if she doesn't clean that shit up."

"Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers."

"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your whole week."

"Russell Crowe had an affair with Meg Ryan He's gladiator."

"Ever had sex while camping? ... ITS FUCKING INTENTS"

"Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them."

"The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax"

"What is the difference between an ounce of cocaine and an infant? Eric Clapton would absolutely NEVER let an ounce of cociane fall 49 stories out a window onto the streets of New York."