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Joke of the Day

"*phone rings Me: Hello? Telemarketer: Hello how are you today? Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!"

"""Hey bro can you leave me some of the snack? You're eating way too much."" I said ""sure"", then proceeded to put the cat down."

"What is the difference between an incompetent marksman and a constipated owl? One shoots but cannot hit and the other hoots but cannot shit."

"I asked my German friend how many jews there are in Germany today He replied: I don't know, do you want me to gas? (This is conversation actually took place like an hour ago)"

"A bird just landed on Bernie Sanders' podium during a speech It's a shame it was just a bird and not 800 delegates"

"What does a rock put on when it stinks? Geodorant."

"The playwright wanted to make a play using only particles made from 2 quarks each. It was his meson scene."

"""No more self-deprecating tweets,"" I whisper fatly."

"Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly? Driver: I have to this is a getaway car."

"What do you call a prostitutes first day on the job? A Grand Opening"