141793

Joke of the Day

"Whenever I'm drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I'm exercising or if they know I'm hungover on laundry day."

"I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time."

"When somebody asks for directions I just say ""follow your heart"" and drive away."

"[God creating beards] ADAM: God, I don't like my face. GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I'll cover it in pubes. ADAM: What? That's not GOD: Done."

"Let's all meet at BP headquarters and pee in their lobby."

"What do you call a boxing on a slackline? Punchline."

"Do you have to go to the bathroom? No You sure? Yes How about now? No Now? No [movie begins] Daddy? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD"

"If you run in front of a car, you get tired. If you run behind a car, you get exhausted."

"My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.... She got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again."

"The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out."