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Joke of the Day

"The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out."

"What's red and fucks old ladies? Me, in my lucky red jacket."

"[call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you."

"The ugly tree Geeze, that's an ugly christmas tree but why do you keep it in the bathroom? That's where I store my toiletries."

"Mario recently broke up with Peach. His reason: ""It's not a-you, It's a-me, Mario."""

"a toast to wives...girlfriends and lovers... may they never meet..."

"[phone rings] Guy: is your refrigerator running? Me: yes my refrigerator is runn- Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit"

"I'll take ""That's Not A Category"" for $200, Alex. ""That's not a category."" Yes, that's right. ""That's not a category."" I chose that, yes."

"Why do people regard the middle east as the holy land? Because they're constantly drilling for oil."

"Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a ""Who has more testicles?"" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5."