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Joke of the Day

"You don't work you don't have money to live, you work there's no time to live."

"Did you know Sasha Grey retired? It's fine though, at least she went out with a bang!"

"Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?"

"I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace."

"My dad: See, when you said you'd met a ""special someone"" we thought... Me: Go on. My dad: Me: [taking hold of the penguin's flipper] GO ON."

"Finding out your ex has a bad life is like finding 100 $ in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face."

"Relationship status: I ran out of toilet paper a week ago. Update: I am now running out of paper towels."

"Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize."

"I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo."

"take our dunkin donuts survey and be entered to win $50000! question 1: how sure can you *really* be that they are your real parents?"