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Joke of the Day

"Wife: Your PMS jokes aren't funny. Me: I can't help it, they just flow out of my mouth. Wife: ... Me: Fine. No more. Period. Wife: *eyeroll*"

"What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when he hits the windshield? His ass."

"Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat."

"When one door closes... An incognito window opens."

"Where is the lost city of Atlantis? Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet."

"You should all be proud if me, guys. I got a designated driver for tonight. He's my nephew, and he's six, but he's drank way less than me."

"I should go outside and enjoy the amazing weather but my computer cord isn't long enough."

"FDA approving female viagra next week. Or as Bill Cosby calls it, a ""spritzer"""

"How do you know when your dog is a bad hot dog? When it's pure bread."

"My brother and I ran out of protein powder. I turned to him and said, ""no whey....."" (true story)"