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Joke of the Day

"The best thing about Twitter & Instagram is that every girl finally gets to be a princess, or a _princess, or even a prin_cess."

"The Navy should develop something based on ""gaydar"" that would allow ships & planes to recognize approaching objects."

"In an elevator with my geology professor and my ex-geology professor. Can you say ROCKward?"

"I just tried to make reservations at the library. Couldn't get one though. They were fully booked."

"VIAGRA: It won't make you James Bond... But it will make you Roger Moore."

"Everybody on earth has that one person that they wish they could wake up next to. Mine is a grilled cheese sandwich."

"What I say: Play outside. What my kid hears: Find a spot in the yard where I can't see you so I constantly imagine you've been kidnapped."

"Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, ""Is this Disney World?!"" The answer is yes and I'll cut anyone who tells her differently."

"I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says...."

"Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me."