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Joke of the Day

"[on phone with mom] SHE SAID YES!!!! ""congrats, son"" I asked her if she thought I was weird ""Wait what?"" She thinks I'm weird. We broke up"

"Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester."

"I just sold Viagra to a guy who thinks it's ambien He's going to be up all night"

"What's the similarity between Madeline Mccann and a submarine? They are both at the bottom of the ocean full of seamen."

"Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night? He was trying to find a cure for insomnia."

"what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????"

"My kid is singing ""Mac-n-cheese"" to the tune of ""Stand by Me."" You guys just tried it, didn't you?"

"Why are black people so tall? Because their kneegrows"

"Wrong number Some guy keeps texting ""stand and deliver"" to me. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant"

"So a guy came into a bar... No... wait, it was a horse. So a guy came into a horse..."