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Joke of the Day

"Chumlee was arrested for sexual assault, drugs, and guns. Do you think Rick will go to the court and haggle down his sentence?"

"How did Helen Keller discover masturbation? Trying to read her own lips."

"Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold it... Hold it.... Hold it... Keep holding it... Die."

"What's the difference between me and a calendar? The calendar has dates *sigh*"

"Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What what?"

"They say the hottest person in a party never gets hit on cus people are intimidated. I'm just going to assume that's why I never get hit on."

"TIFU by changing TIFU's meaning to make a joke. Today I fished (for) up-votes by ( insert made up story )."

"What does the new socialist leader of France mean for the country, Europe, and the world? Nationalized wine.. Sounds like the right wing will have some whine too."

"If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself. I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted."

"What do you call a cow with five legs? Rare."