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Joke of the Day

"Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold it... Hold it.... Hold it... Keep holding it... Die."

"Handgun owners have a 2% increased rate of suicide. If we could get that up to 10%, Democrats stand a chance in 2020."

"What's the difference between a dilapidated, run down bus stop and a big breasted lobster? One's a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean."

"*re-dials* Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?"

"I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night... ""This is my dad Roger,"" I said, ""And this is my twin brother Dave."" ""Nice to meet you,"" she smiled. ""Who's the oldest?"" I said, ""My dad."""

"Why do ballet dancers always stand on their toes? Could they not hire taller dancers?"

"a man goes to the doctor for an operation to get part of his colon removed. he turns to his doctor and says, so dose this make me a semi colon?"

"Where can you bid on internet mail order brides? eBae"

"How do you hide money from a Republican? Put it in a science textbook."

"What do you call a married knot? Monotonous. Bonus answer from my wife: a noose."