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Joke of the Day

"A scientist and a hooker walk into a bar... But find that they can't open the door due to an over-saturation of priests, rabbis, lawyers, and Irishmen inside."

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"[Getting waterboarded] ""Um, sir the subject isn't responding to interrogation, he's just getting bigger"" [Me, a sponge] ""MwahahaHAHAHAA"""
"Santa's sack is huge, because... he only comes once a year!"
"Two elephants are in a bath tub One asks the other ""Pass the soap"". The other one replies, ""No soap, Radio!"""
"Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess snails make? Credit to Oney in [this](http://youtu.be/lZWJKhLe6wo?t=7m46s) for that one."
"[at work] ""Mornin, Margaret."" ""Mornin. You're late today."" [looks at watch] ""Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?"""
"Executioner: any last words? Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch"
" What's the difference between me and my new couch? The couch pulls out..."
"Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me... ... She said no both times."
"What time does Sean Connery get to the US Open? Ten-ish"