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Joke of the Day

"[Getting waterboarded] ""Um, sir the subject isn't responding to interrogation, he's just getting bigger"" [Me, a sponge] ""MwahahaHAHAHAA"""

"*shows up at ur door holding a bouquet of flowers with all the petals ripped off* hi, i brought u som flowers that told me u love me"

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"video games are cool because they allow a diversity of themes. whether the old west, Mars or Middle Ages, u can go there and shoot a dude"

"Skinny girls think they're fat, fat girls think they're obese. Obese girls...... think they can wear yoga pants"

"Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents..."

"My parents found an S&M magazine under my brother's bed... My dad said, ""Well, spanking him is out of the question."""

"Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature"

"Why did the whale have to go see his doctor? His diet was krill-in him."

"If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies...who would do the chasing? Oh, I went there...;)"