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Joke of the Day

"A few weeks ago I wrote happy Eid to the Muslims and autocorrect changed it to Happy IED. It almost blew up in my face."

"My girlfriend said she wanted to get properly measured for a new a bra... I said, ""Of course, it's not your eyeliner... You don't want to wing it."""

"What do you get when you leave a dog inside a car when it's 100 degrees outside? A hot dog."

"Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can't it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers"

"Some lemons just handed me a life."

"Why do girls travel in odd numbers? Because they can't even."

"I wanted to send over an invoice to the Westboro Baptist Church using an old-fashioned method of communication, but they told me... God hates fax."

"Local News. A couple turned themselves into police. Wonder what they were before."

"April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are."

"Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. ""Good Lord!"" he says. ""His burrito levels are off the charts!"" - from my autopsy"