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Joke of the Day

"My friend Tommy drowned the other day... At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin. It's what he would have wanted..."

Next Joke
 
"ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and... SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION."
"Why are Jewish men circumsised? Because Jewish women only touch things 20% off."
"Remember ladies, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it's because you're a whore."
"""Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"" ""Ask your sister!"" ""I don't have a si- Oh."""
"When I think of all the money I've spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!"
"Apparently, museums don't like it when you try to improve the paintings."
"You could introduce a raccoon to a walrus as ""my Grandpa Steven,"" and neither would bat an eye. THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT ANIMALS."
"Why do you bury lawyers 20 feet deep? Because deep down they're good people"
"What do white nationalists call three left turns? An alt-right"