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Joke of the Day

"Why was Twelve running from Seven? Because Seven had a fucking rocket launcher!"

"A Horse goes into a bar and says Nothing. Because a horse cant speak."

"I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some fucking savage."

"You are Darth Vader. How can you tell if your stormtroopers just played paintball in their freetime again? You can't."

"What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy"

"You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill..."

"Why do bird watchers invest so much money in breast cancer awareness? Because they are greatly satisfied by seeing Tucans."

"We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She's going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas."

"I weighed myself today, then I ate the scale."

"Why is it called a funny bone? Because its humerus!"