5885

Joke of the Day

"I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some fucking savage."

"Engineer's Joke I have a girlfriend!"

"I just got hired as a garbage truck driver. There was no training, but I think I'll pick it up as i go along."

"Where do you put the Duke? In the duke box!"

"When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs."

"Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people."

"Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605."

"did you hear about the italian chef? he pasta way"

"How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan."

"""Be there in 5,"" I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor."