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Joke of the Day

"I don't suffer insomnia like most tweeters do. I always get a solid 7, maybe 8 minutes of sleep every night."

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"Star Wars really beat me in movies.. Rogue One, Me Zero."
"What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette."
"How do you make a tiramisu? With a thousand Gigamisous"
"If there's one thing I know about Mexican stand offs... In the end, there can only be Juan."
"Every girl has 3 guys in her life: one she loves, one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, it's the same guy!"
"I wanted to get a haircut today after work around 8:45... but they closed at 9, so that's cutting it close."
"You know what really breaks my heart? Cholesterol."
"Who needs a girlfriend when I have my right hand..... To make me sandwiches :)"
"Q: What is a dentist's office? A: A filling station."