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Joke of the Day

"Jay-Z has vowed to never use the word ""bitch"" again I guess he has 100 problems now."

"If I had a boy I'd name him ""Opportunity"" & whenever he knocks on the door I'll say ""I bet that's opportunity knocking"" & laugh with my wife"

"[at subway] And just a little lettuce. *the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping* No wait."

"Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat."

"I tried to post my fencing joke... ...but it was a riposte."

"Name a sub genre of Engineering PORN Armature"

"Best part of Donald Trump giving you a hand job. His little hands make your dick look bigger."

"The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in Vietnam."

"Pasta joke My wife laughed when I told her I was planning to bulld a car made out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!"

"ME: i'd like to get rid of all this PERSONAL TRAINER: you're just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body ME: and my head"