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Joke of the Day

"ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open WIFE: they don't say that, you're drunk ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here"

"I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain't no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck"

"Why did the Hipster order piping hot soup? He wanted to eat it before it was cool."

"A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says ""youre going to hell"". The bum yells ""Damn, Im on the wrong bus"" ! :D"

"I don't know it Switzerland is a good country But the flag is a big plus."

"Bartender: What can I get you? Me: Drunk"

"Did you hear about the Nuns up north who started a marijuana dispensary? Holy smokes..."

"what do you call a 145 million year old swine carcass? Jurassic Pork Ill show^myself^out"

"What job can you see yourself doing? Inspecting mirrors"

"I'm with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen."