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Joke of the Day

"Hate when I eat the last bite and didn't notice it was the last bite so I couldn't mentally prepare myself and get any closure."

"I woke up with a horse's head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse's body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess."

"Where do pencils come from ? Pennsylvania"

"Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce? Him: Usually it's me asking you that. 13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"

"What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal? His shoulder."

"I always close the door to the bathroom even if I'm home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing"

"My girlfriend's angry because I got drunk and did a shit on the roof. Please tell me, how can I wipe the slate clean?"

"A blonde women just found out some frightening statistics... She was just informed that over 90% of car accidents happen within 10 miles of the persons house. So she moved."

"A Priest and a Rabbi... see a little boy bent over. The Priest says to the Rabbi: ""Should we fuck him?"" The Rabbi says to the Priest: ""Out of what?"""

"""Doctor I'm invisible!"" ""I'm sorry sir. I can't see you right now"""