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Joke of the Day

"I woke up with a horse's head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse's body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess."

"What do Brooklyn and tight jeans have in common? Flatbush."

"Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at."

"COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test ME: ok COP: lets get taco bell ME: no COP: text ur ex ME: no COP: ok ur good"

"What does a sign on a out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we're closed."

"3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP! ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* 3YO: I want a snack."

"TIL that in the US a woman is raped every 56 seconds And boy is my dick starting to get sore."

"Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you'd be ready to discuss it when you woke up."

"I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4."

"No one beats the Jackson 5! Except their father."