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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference of a wife after 10 years of marriage and the Simpsons' new episodes after 10 years on the air? The wife doesn't suck."

"Being a conservative, I set all our clocks back 23 hours. I just can't stomach the idea of moving anything forward."

"It's weird that 'coward' doesn't mean ""towards a cow"". *sips wine*"

"How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow? Give her a shovel!"

"""WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?"" Me: I cooked it for you. It's over there, on that teaspoon."

"People that say ""we're not even white, we're pink"" obviously haven't seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight."

"Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions"

"Best Place to hide.. Where's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google."

"Knock knock. Who's there? BRAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (it's a whale joke!)"

"When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think ""wow, whoever sat here was very thin""."