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Joke of the Day

"LPT. Before making any promises to a girl, masturbate twice. It may change your opinion."

"Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks."

"Women are like sand. The deeper you go, the wetter they get."

"What do you call people migrating to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners."

"""Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!"" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent"

"What do you call a magic owl? HOOdini"

"I've only ever been wrong once... And that was one time last year when I thought that I was wrong but I wasn't."

"I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers. She wasn't interested because it didn't scream out in pain."

"Umm Leo, there has been a mistake... Steve Harvey wrote the cards."

"One snowman says to the other snowman, ""do you smell carrots?"""