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Joke of the Day

"""Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!"" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent"

"A 5 day juice diet. They said I would ""feel it"" working in just 5 days. They were right, I've never felt more hungry in all my life."

"What does a homeless man gets for Christmas? A cold."

"What's the difference between bullets and everyone ? Everyone misses Harambe."

"What does a polite pirate say? Chivalry-Timbers!"

"What do you call a sheep taking Ambien? Shleepy!"

"Watts a homonym?"

"My girlfriend hates when I say ""I've got a surprise for you... in my pants."", then I unzip my pants and a squirrel jumps out and bites her."

"There's a joke in this thread. It's you."

"I hate how politically correct we have become as a society ... You can't even say black paint anymore. Now you have to say, ""Jamal kindly paint my house?"""