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Joke of the Day

"""Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!"" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent"

"My parent's kitchen was designed with 11 light switches, all of which turn on the garbage disposal if you're trying to be quiet"

"What does a horny toad say? Rubbit"

"I'm so sick of this debate. Of COURSE, the chicken came first! Are you saying I don't know how to properly fuck a chicken?"

"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? You suck his dick."

"How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend"

"The best part of waking up is... nothing. Waking up blows. Fuck you, Folgers."

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishmen? 0"

"It's creepy that the only ingredient in fruit is fruit."

"What are the coldest triangles? Ice-sosceles"