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Joke of the Day

"License and registration please. ""Bears."" Excuse me? ""Beaaaaars."" Are you drunk sir? ""BEAAAARS!"" Stop saying bea- *cop is mauled by bears*"

"How did a hipster burn his mouth? Drank his coffee before it was cool"

"What do gay Russian partners call each other? Cumrade"

"What's a catalyst? It's how a farmer keeps track of his cows."

"My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy"

"So, we're doing race jokes: What do you call it when 5 white people have sex? A family reunion"

"I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you're going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people."

"What's the difference between and epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with dysentery? One shucks between fits and the other, well..."

"I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook."

"If you don't like my selfies, maybe you shouldn't have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren't ready to handle that kind of responsibility"