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Joke of the Day

"Doctor: ""Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!"" Kate: ""I'm pregnant?!"" Doctor: ""No. You have a tapeworm."""

"Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout."

"Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn't killed. What the hell kind of scary shit is that?"

"I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat."

"Don't forget to wish that one bottle of salad dressing in your fridge a happy 2nd birthday!"

"I have no job, no car, and I live with my parents. Making a Tinder profile as a teenager is difficult."

"How do you clean a condom? Turn it inside-out and shake the fuck out of it."

"My alarm clock isn't in a good mood... It just went off on me"

"I don't understand why people get excited about carbon dating. But then perhaps I just haven't met the right pencil."

"I asked a North Korean how his life was going... He said ""can't complain."""