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Joke of the Day

"Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn't killed. What the hell kind of scary shit is that?"

"Did you guys hear they're making a sequel to the hit TV show ""Medium?"" It's called ""Large."""

"What is long brown and sticky? A poo"

"I'm not saying I'm a bad cook. But how long does pasta stay in the toaster?"

"I'm starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist's office."

"I rang up a local builder and said, ""I want a skip outside my house."" He said, ""I'm not stopping you."" **Tim Vine**"

"me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*"

"I should write a personal apology to the employees of the sewage treatment plant for what I just sent them."

"I need Volcano puns Anyone have any good volcano puns that I can use?"

"Women are like snowflakes... They can't drive."