119572

Joke of the Day

"If you want to be happy... For an hour, buy some ice cream. For a day, see a movie. For a week, go on vacation. For a month, get a new pet. For a year, get married."

"If you read the entire dictionary technically you've read every book but out of order."

"Ted has split personalities. This shows in his behaviour to his girlfriend. He's a dick Ted to her."

"Do you know why the government is important? It isn't, now have a landmine. -Ron Swanson"

"Let me in, Let me in, Let me in! I need to go back out again!-My Dog!"

"A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer."

"Old friend: I barely recognize you. ""That's the look I was going for. """

"What's the worst smell in the world? An anchovie's cunt."

"Guy to a friend, ""I just got a new job"" Friend ""oh yeah doing what?"" Guy ""fucking your mom, it's got good health benefits"""

"Tigers blood gave Charlie Sheen HIV"