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Joke of the Day

"""Welcome to the jungle"" Thanks. ""We've got fun and games"" Cool. ""You're in the jungle"" We've established this ""You're gonna die!"" Wait what?"

"What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance."

"I'm on hold and My call is important to them."

"*walks into starbucks* Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!! *has choice of any table*"

"[pitching script] WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet... PRODUCER: *yawns*...and its a woman? W: it's a burrito P: holy shit"

"If a seagull lives by the sea... If a seagull lives by the sea, what do you call a bird that lives by the bay? A Bay Gull"

"So you're in bed... So you're in bed with a hot girl to the right side of you and a gay man to the left of you. Who would you turn to face? be careful with whom you chose"

"I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York."

"The time traveler was still hungry after his meal... So he went back four seconds."

"I always said I'd never chase after a man, but the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking after one."