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Joke of the Day

"Why does Hillary Clinton want to have sex with Bill first thing in the morning? She wants to be the first lady."

"Im getting tired of the book ""Life of Pi."" It never ends."

"[planning heist] LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall? *everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*"

"What is Adam's brother called? Subtractem"

"If I moved to Britain right now, I could retire a wealthy man. My bank account has approximately 6,723 dollars in it, which would convert to like infinite British pounds."

"That's Odd. I can't even."

"Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo...going to Vegas!!!!!!!!"

"""I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit"" ""Not anymore"" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon"

"My grandpa used to say that dating was like doing laundry. Never mix the whites with the colors."

"COP: careful, this guy's insane DETECTIVE: ok [he walks into the interrogation room] ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos D: jesus christ"