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Joke of the Day

"[planning heist] LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall? *everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*"

"Turns out Danny Devito isn't so short after all... ...just found out the figurines on his parents' wedding cake were actual size."

"[wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS"

"What's the difference between a Walnut and a Chickpea? I've never had a Walnut on my chest.."

"How is sex like air? It's no big deal unless you're not getting any."

"my nana and bb8 i recently got the sphero bb8 and my nana asked 'what is that' 'its bb8' 'who?' 'a robot from star wars' 'oh, so is there a mouse in side it?'"

"What's the difference between a whore and a truck? The truck can only take the load from behind where as the whore can take it from anywhere."

"I almost got caught stealing a board game today... but it was a Risk I was willing to take."

"What do you call a guy with no arms and legs at your door? Whatever his name is you ass"

"My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up"