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Joke of the Day

"Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers."

"whenever someone says happy birthday.... all I hear is ""Happy anniversary of the day your face rubbed your moms vagina"""

"I've come from the future to let you know the Chilean miners will be OK, and that we haven't yet perfected time travel."

"Waana hear a joke? Women's Rights."

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a big fall. All the kings and all the kings men.. &nbsp; had scrambled eggs for breakfast again."

"I think unscented candles are bullshit... cuz every candle smells like something's burning. (Best read in a Hedberg voice.)"

"Is the opposite of progress... ...congress?"

"I'm pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, 'I'll take a number two', multiple times so she could laugh at me."

"In 4.5 billion years the sun will burn out but on the plus side no more sunset instagrams"

"If you're ever cold go stand in a corner... ...and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"