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Joke of the Day

"I think unscented candles are bullshit... cuz every candle smells like something's burning. (Best read in a Hedberg voice.)"

"Huh, this is a first Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before They must know"

"wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree? me [bleeding] Wasn't a cat"

"My girlfriend has this really weird fetish She likes to pretend she's 13 years old when we have sex. I don't know why, she'll be 13 in a couple of years anyway."

"""I wanna know who is responsible for this!"" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself."

"This polo shirt has two buttoning options: Uptight golf prick or disco chest hair."

"Don't go to a fight with a gun or a knife, Bubblewrap yourself, People won't fight when there's bubblewrap"

"What are Mario and Luigis overalls made out of? Denim denim denim"

"Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all."

"How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? THREE. One to bend over, one to screw in the bulb, and one to drive the gay pride float!"