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Joke of the Day

"What do you use to determine if a refrigerated burger is cold enough? A thermomeater!"

"ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog. BOSS: What's updog? ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap."

"My friend is getting on in years but still wants to stay hip with new technology. I call him Instagrampa."

"I just sneezed so violently, I think it qualifies as an ab workout. (Screw you, I'm counting it.)"

"Why can't unicorns play soccer? Because they don't exist"

"What does an excited karate pupil say to his friend when greeting him? HIYAH!"

"we need a cold and annoying genius type, who should we cast? [Benedict Cumberbatch claws at the office window] hmmm who to cast? [he meows]"

"I bet by the time you were done listening to The Fray's ""How to Save a Life,"" the person choking on their food would be dead already."

"I fucked this girl for an hour and 45 seconds last night. Thanks daylight savings."

"Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials."