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Joke of the Day

"The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice. Courtesy of Mary Poppins."

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"Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer."
"Knock knock Knock Knock... Who's there? The police The police who? Mam, your son is dead."
"What would a depressed Abraham Lincoln do? Slit the writ of habeas corpus."
"My wife is a computer geek and wants to name our son ""one eighth of a byte"" So I said ""Really honey? Don't you think that's a bit...?"""
"Marriage is for men who miss staying with their parents."
"Why is it dark in Skeletor's castle? Because He-Man has the power."
"*gets shot* ""Lassie im hurt, quick get pa"" *Lassie gives me her paw* ""lol i see what you did there girl"" *we both laugh as i bleed out*"
"I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll swallow anything."
"So you got mustard on your jeans. Shut up about it. We live on a wet marble that flies circles around a giant burning star. Fuck your jeans."