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Joke of the Day

"People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up What I'm doing is **natural** and strengthens the bond between me and my dog."

"Whenever I throw bread at the birds in the river I always miss Because they duck."

"My brother committed suicide and didn't leave a note. How inconsiderate of him. I mean, would it have killed him to leave a note?"

"[Romeo and Juliet as turtles] ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath JULIET: I'm just stuck on my back R: we're turtles, Juliet"

"Man has sex with a can of beans. He was porkin' beans."

"How do you make an octopus laugh? By giving it ten tickles *badumts*"

"Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states."

"TIFU Now the disc is not playable."

"Wanted to tweet ""I'm hella tired"" but my phone keeps autocorrecting ""hella"" to ""REALLY? HELLA? YOU ARE A GROWN-ASS LADY, KNOCK IT OFF."""

"Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us..."