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Joke of the Day

"Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a good chat. Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box."

"I have now been sober for eighteen months. Not in a row..."

"I love when football players put their t-shirts over their shoulder pads because they look like business women from the 80s."

"I like my politicians like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee."

"Why hasn't there been a Mexican Disney Princess? Because everyone would just think it's a quinceanera"

"A good rule of thumb is to never be in Liam Neeson's movie family."

"Wife to Husband: I'll have you know I've got the face of a teenager! Husband to Wife: Then you should give it back you're wearing it out."

"I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key.. Stayed stationary."

"I walked up to a girl and said, ""Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums."" ""Erm...what?"" she asked. I said, ""I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."""

"U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices. Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick."