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Joke of the Day

"I walked up to a girl and said, ""Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums."" ""Erm...what?"" she asked. I said, ""I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."""

"As Sitting Bull said to the mermaid . . . ""How?"""

"""Hey, where's the beach?"" ""Down by the ocean!"" -Dr. Demento, presumably."

"What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and the Titanic? Ones full of dead semen and the other one is the Titanic"

".@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven."

"E-cigs are fedoras for your mouth"

"I once helped an elderly Japanese man cross the street. Afterwards he said, ""Sank you."" So I punched him in the face. He didn't have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that."

"Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I'll solve it... [Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?"

"I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It's the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets."

"What do you call an Egyptian spine manipulator? A Cairo-practor"